My Testimony

Grab a coffee, a soft cushion and sit back for an amazing true account of a supernatural commission by God to an undeserving sinner. Twists and turns riddle this story from start to end so pay attention and please keep an open heart and mind to what I am about to pour out onto you brothers and sisters. For this comes from my heart, from the love I have for all of you and for my Father in heaven who sent His Son to be tortured and die on a cross for all of us. Even if you are not a believer I know there is something here for you as well, so enjoy.

I came from an alcoholic upbringing living in the city, but there was still a great deal of love in our home. I also spent much of my time fighting with my peers of white kids due to racism, and native kids when I’d visit the reserve because I was from the city. And although I never really did feel as though I belonged anywhere, amid the fact I that grew up the only boy among four sisters, there was always joy in my heart. But this story isn’t about what my life was while I was treated as a stranger in my own land, a gentile, which is for another time and place, this is about an evening that changed my life forever and what came afterwards. This is about
how I know that there is a great Creator who loves me and has a plan for me to make an impact that is beyond any understanding neither you nor I can ever hope to attain in this lifetime.

One evening while I was riding down the highway with my brother, who was the eldest and never lived with us as well as being a pastor in Fort McMurray, I remembered a story he told me of a time he was driving down that very same stretch of highway with a feeling of being lost and very alone. In his moment of despair he cried out to God while looking at the sky, “If you are really there God, please, move that star”, then shortly after the star moved from its position and he found his peace. Reflecting on his tale and needing answers in my own life I attempted to goad our Father to do the same for me, I asked “God if you are real, can you move that star for me?”……nothing happened. Hours later we arrive at our destination and then went about our daily lives with no change to the world in which I simply existed. Time passed and after a particular nasty break up with Dawn the mother of my children, which tended to happen on a regular basis with us, I found myself on the highway again with my brother reflecting on that same old story he had long since told. Now at this point of “me” I was near the end of my rope, I was angry, frustrated and tired but at the same time not truly feeling anything. So I look up at a star and inaudibly say with a humble heart, “God if you are there, I mean really there, please, move that star”, once again… nothing happened.

At this point I didn’t truly expect anything to happen for this was my brothers’ story, and I didn’t really feel as though religion was where I belonged either. So a few miles pass with but a few words spoken between my brother and I, about nothing in particular really, and then it happened. It started at the top of my head…fingers…I actually felt fingers that weren’t physically there, huge hands that were coming from behind me and wrapping around my entire head. They slowly began to work their way down over my face to around my shoulders, and it wasn’t until about midway from my shoulders to my elbows that the width of these hands started to clear the top of my head. Now just imagine the size these hands had to be to cover this distance, I could, because not only did I feel them but I saw them. Not visibly of course, but in my minds eye if that makes any sense to you, it was as though my mind was translating what my body was feeling into a non-visual visual interpretation of these hands that were wrapped around me. I knew, I just knew they were the hands of Jesus.

Now as the hands of our Lord worked their way down I could literally feel all that was unclean about me being wiped away. Below the ridge-line of His hands I could remember feeling filth, all the dirt and grime like sludge, all the pain, the disappointments and hate building then falling away, just as grease being scraped off the side of an old stove. Above those loving hands though…I’m telling you, above those hands I was clean! I was new and pure and something I have never felt before nor ever since. There was brightness about everything around me even amid the darkness of nightfall, I felt lighter and lighter as the hands continued to clean and renew my body until they had gone over the entire length of “me”. Not only did I feel clean but there was euphoria, an instant high and a state of clarity at the same time, I could almost sense the entire planet in that single moment and everything was ok, everything was… as it must be. Like Gods word says in 2 Corinth. 5:17 “If anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old is gone”, and I felt as though that was exactly what I had become, a new creation. Even now as I am reliving and writing this to you I can hardly contain myself. Though describing this pivotal moment in my life can hardly compare with the reality of it, experiencing not only the presence of Gods Son but to have His supernatural hands upon me…humbling, truly humbling.   

 Keep in mind now as I give you this account that I may embellish some parts of my stories with the style and words I use to keep it interesting however I would never lie to you, as a writer and as a man this is my word to you. But when it comes to my testimony here of how Jesus, my Savior had rescued me from an eternal sleep, I do not embellish. Everything I am telling you here is clear-cut and without my trying to fancy it up in any way. I am however trying to give you the best account I can and describe it the best way possible so that you may get the clearest picture of why I know that I have a purpose on this earth. Why I know that I can sit here and tell you that I have something for you, that I can help someone understand some of the things they otherwise may not. Why I can say that my life has not all been a mistake and a waste of time. If any of you really knew me would know that I am a strict and stubborn skeptic when it comes to Gods truth and not given to whimsical fancies and believing bullshit or handing it out…well, maybe I hand it out a little from time to time…BUT NOT HERE!...lol. With that said, allow me to carry on.

At about this same time I believe I also saw something else, a small figure of a person. Now I am not entirely certain if it was Jesus, or just my mind creating this image of a small figure of a man standing yet floating in the car just near the glove box and window hand crank, but there he was, in my minds eye. I know what you may be thinking now but believe me, the difference between this image and the image of the hands is that I am unequivocally 100% confident that it was the hands of Jesus upon me, I only add this small figure account because I want you to have it all, the truth, and it may have bearing with another account I’ll give later so be patient.

Shortly after the Lords hands had cleansed me, it came. “The downloading” I call it, I have been told it was the Holy Spirit and perhaps it was but it didn’t feel like a spirit, or dove or any sort of a being falling upon me. It just felt like information, a large amount of information was being downloaded or uploaded depending on the point of view, into my brain and I could feel it. Nearly but not quite seeing it in my minds eye coming in from the top right section of sky straight through the window and into my head. I was being uploaded with information, of what I couldn’t tell you, and I suddenly did not become smarter that’s for sure, my family and friends could attest to that. I didn’t know then what it was any more than I do now but I did have this feeling though that it was information on how to conduct myself during my life, of how to be a man, I think it was faith. It was as though God was giving me the template of the character He wished I’d portray in this world. This is the best explanation I can give of what I had experienced. Now I would not say that my character since has always been saintly or even better than most, but I can tell you this. I have gotten through many situations in a manner most others would not have. I have come up against hundreds of opposing characters and I’m still standing firm, I can honestly say today that it was by grace that God was with me then, that God is with me now and it is by His grace and mercies that one day I shall walk boldly into the kingdom of heaven and humbly unto His presence.

I t was done, a rebirth, I sat there in awe of what just took place, I was somebody else! The revelations of so much of Gods glories and all of my wrong thinking were so overwhelming that I began to weep uncontrollably and so, had to tell my brother what had happened. It didn’t take very long though before I felt something else, before I heard something else, a voice. A voice in my head telling me that I was being a fool, that it was just latent emotions triggered by a subconscious memory coupled with the earlier attempt to contact God. This voice was telling me to just forget it all… but I knew, I just sensed it was an enemy of God muttering this lie to me. I knew that it wasn’t even my own doubt that was speaking but that it was actually the devil, well he or one of his demons and I fought. I knew what I had gained and I fought hard to hold on to it as the deceiver tried to steal it, but no demon is any match for the Holy Spirit and after a moment or two it stopped. Then I knew that it was mine forever and I wouldn’t lose it, I would have this gift of faith for the rest of my life.

From here on out I’ll have to give you the quick history skim version so you’ll have to buy the book when it comes out, heh…heh….. So life was alright for a time, Dawn and I stayed together for a while longer and did the church thing but it didn’t last. I had custody of our three kids for to short of a time before two of them had asked at separate times to return to mom after she cleaned up and thinking it best for all at the time, even Dawn, I allowed it. With our youngest son, who I had for over two years and never intended to ever let go, dawn claimed abandonment and kept him after promising that she would let me have him back while I spent time up north with my mother as she was dying of cancer. I could have fought for him but I had gotten in a bad way at losing two of the most important people in my life at the same time. It wasn’t long before I was no longer fully following the path of one trying to live righteously. It was about a year after that that a sister started dating a crack dealer. That’s right… here we go…my sisters and I along with another brother (buy the book), really got into it then I soon graduated to shooting cocaine straight into my arms.

I learned the ropes quick and witnessed some crazy stuff while working the driving and parties, this went on for some months before siblings parted ways and not always pleasantly mind you. I worked for another dealer, where I graduated to collector and hurt people who didn’t pay their debts. And let me say this though, I never took advantage of any of the women who offered themselves to me in exchange for dope, and there were a few. I had always refused even though the boss would encourage that I should, I just couldn’t do it. I’ve always felt that it was like in Gen. 20 where God kept king Abimelech from sinning with Abraham’s wife Sarah. Although these days I feel at times it is a curse, this sexual morality thing, It’s payback for being such a floozy when I was younger, all the one night stands, all the millions of broken heart…lol…alright alright, lol…what I tell you about handing it out? Seriously though…the collecting thing didn’t last too long because it was getting ugly, I was getting close to an unsavory group and was enjoying the business too much. I got out of it but the addiction lasted over eight years, eight very dark and lonely years.

I always worked and paid my bills for the most part, but there were many times I found myself on the street for not paying the bills. Then there was that one particular year, a year I just became homeless again in the winter and thought I’d lose a foot from an infection due to a bad injection. I went to rehab with a Christian outfit and got kicked out because of a difficult attitude, ha! Me, imagine that. Well I stuck it out with the church, stayed clean for a couple years and even attended a bible school, Taylor University, for a few months before dropping out from a course overload and then a relapse. Weed first then the big relapse, there were a few of those but not like it was back in the day. I must say that the first time I took a hoot, just as I drew in the smoke, I felt the Holy Spirit leave me. I actually saw everything around me turn darker, all the colors faded in my world and don’t tell me it was the dope because it hadn’t the time to hit me yet and I know what I know. J felt alone again although I know I wasn’t.   

One particular morning after, amidst another relapse about a year or so later, I was feeling quite embarrassed and quite guilty. I remember wanting to give Jesus some praise, just because I was weak didn’t mean I loved Him any less. There was that voice again, the one that says “I’m not worthy”, the one that says “God won’t forgive me this time…not again”. But with determination I chose to ignore it because I knew I loved the Lord my God and regardless if He chose to forgive me or not I was going to continue to love the Lord my God! So I stood up out of the bed, raised my arms parallel to the floor with my eyes and palms turned towards the ceiling and gave Him all that I had. All the love I could muster I sent out to the heavens, and then I saw it. I saw the love come out of my arms and my shoulders…it came out of me like rain and formed a cloud hovering just before me. This was no “in my minds eye” kind of vision… it was visual, a partial this world and partial heavenly realm that I could actually see, a transparent cloud where I could see the wall behind it. An overwhelming feeling…a wonderful euphoria was just coming upon me when I saw something else, it was in the cloud. A window, a small double paned window appeared on the outer edge of the cloud that opened up to one side and a face came peering out, I can only guess, it was Jesus! And he was smiling a great smile. I knew then that He still loves me and He still forgives…then He and the cloud were gone.

So let’s bring this together, the two separate visions of the figure of Jesus. I have been told “if it was really Jesus then you would undoubtedly know that it was, wouldn’t you? Let me remind you, I am still a strong skeptic when it comes to many things, even of myself and what I would have myself believe, I can only tell you what I saw and felt. Yes, I strongly believe that it was Jesus but I will not sit here and tell you that at that very instant of these visions that I knew who it was because who am I to say I know His face, He did not say “hello, my name is Jesus”. The small figure in the car I had no fuzzy feelings toward, He was just there but the hands I “KNEW” were of God. The cloud with the smiling face I “KNEW” was of God. Please, don’t ask me what He looked like because although I saw the face I could not describe Him, I couldn’t even tell you if He had a beard other than it couldn’t have been a big fuzzy beard because I still remember that big grin of His. It was a grin of satisfaction, and it was a grin that told me…“Well done my son, with you I am well pleased”.

To be perfectly clear now, I know He wasn’t pleased that I was using again, but that I had chosen Him…that I had refused to listen to the guilt and chose to love Him and praise Him regardless of my weaknesses. I like to think now that He was pleased with me then because He is God and He knows me, that He knows I will always choose to love and praise the greatness of His Power and His Glory for I know who my God is. It is He who forgave my multitude of sins and continues to do so even when I stumble. Thank you Father.

This is the reason I believe I can speak into your lives, why I know I have something to share with you. I hope to share stories to encourage and edify you that you may have faith in the love that our Lord wishes to bestow upon all His children “that none may parish”.

                                                     johnnyluv